No image? No problem

Last month, J. Michael Mullis, a business consultant from Memphis spoke to area leaders (of the elected and business variety). Let us now picture the scene: While our civic elite picked at their chicken breast and rice pilaf, Mullis informed them that Kansas City didn't have a national image: "It's not negative. It's not positive. It's neutral." After a round of polite applause everyone went back to work all sullen, and Mullis and his consulting fee flew back to Memphis.

The Star saw this as an opportunity to engage (or pander to, depending onyour point of view) its readers and invited them to come up with a new slogan for Kansas City. Today, the results are in. Judging from the responses the paper chose to publish, none of these nice people will be receiving a call from Madison Avenue anytime soon. The responses also suggest that the locals are as foggy on KC's image as the rest of the country.

"We've come a long way since Lewis and Clark stopped by"
- True, but then the town wasn't actually here when they stopped by.

"Life's Good On The Prairie"
- If you're a well-tended cow, maybe. Most of us live in town now.

"Leave your hat, boots and spurs at home; Kansas City has come of age"
- Unless you're coming for the rodeo or one of our cowboy themed gay bars (or both), in which case you will need your tack (and condoms, for crying out loud).

"Kansas City: Friendly, cool and delicious"
- Especially good for attracting cannibals.

"Kansas City: From Cow Town to WOW! Town"
- A genuine cringer, although it does remind me of something the Albert Brooks character in Lost in America might say.

"Kansas City: The Center of the World" - Tellingly, this was suggested by a native of San Diego. Most southern Californians grow up believing that wherever they are is the center of the world and this seems to suggest that the sentiment travels wherever they go.

"Time to settle down? Better hurry before the rest of America finds us"
- Um, and just whom exactly are we addressing this to?

My (only half kidding) suggestion: "Kansas City: Shut up already and eat."

But seriously, did we really need to pay somebody from Memphis to tell us that we have no national image?

I really don't see Kansas City's lack of a national image as a problem. Companies and families planning to relocate look at statistics about crime and schools when they make their decisions, not marketing slogans. And before we go making KC attractive to tourists from the coasts, we should make sure it stays livable for those of us who already live here. I personally would trade a few rolling stadium roofs for working sewers.

We might take a page from KC history and get back to what made the area such a rip-roaring success back in the late 1800s: ripping off people passing through (gold diggers, settlers, Mormons) rather than being ripped off by suits from out of town on their way to the next consulting gig.